November 22, 2011

holy shit, i havent had a chance to write in forever it seems. so much shit has been going on, my life is crazy as hell!!!! thanksgiving break just started. i wish i had more time to write, but i really dont. just wanted a quick check in. i have almost 1000 hours in cosmetology practice which means that im 500 away from finnishing my program. i had a little slip up in my recovery which scared the shit out of me and ill write more about that the next time i blog. thats really it though, for the most part everything is going pretty well

August 28th, 2011

BIKRAM YOGA KILLS ME!!!

i haven't been in such a long time but whenever i go i feel like I'm going to drown in my own sweat. this is a class that goes for 90 minutes,  there's about 26 poses that you do twice, and i go through so much water during it. its crazy shit but its so good for you. there are old men in each class who go like 6 times a week and i wish i could keep up with them. they're so good at it and they look so healthy; they'll probably live to be about 120 years old. here's what a class looks like.

so at this point i pretty much think i should go more often. it would make me so much more fit and id look all sexy and what not.

school starts in two days!! I'm so excited, i cant wait!! this year will be a success, i can feel it

such an amazing band

for real, i dont think I've ever heard a band that can capture the exact mood i'm in and play it back to me like these guys can. i love their voices, i love their style of music, i love their song meanings, and this is one of their songs that i like the most: Beauty in the Breakdown

Come on, take a step towards me
So you can figure me out
I've been hoping and praying for a single way
To show you what I'm all about
And I know, and I know this is the only way of pleasing the crowds
But when this is over and done with and we walk away
There should be no doubts

So let's get a little closer now
Let's get a little closer now

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless, states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong

Come on love run with me
Get the hell out of this town
So we can get a better feel for each other
I'll take you, back to, when you
Remembered how you used to
Just live your life a little for me
Take the time to let it go
Step away and watch me grow

So let's get a little closer now
Let's get a little closer now

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless, states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong

You can stay if you want to
And I write to you and tell you how you've always been so special to me
You can stay if you want to, and I’ll try
You can stay if you want to
And I write to you and tell you how you've always been so special to me
You can stay if you want to, and I’ll try

To keep you close to me (x3)

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless, states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong

its just so captivating, what else can i say?

August 21st, 2011

Feeling kind of apathetic lately, there's not much time left in the summer and i have a lot of things that i want to do. there are people i haven't hung out with that i said i would, and there are just a lot of places that I've been meaning to get to that i haven't gotten to go to yet. i'm trying to get in as many hours at work as i can before summer's over because i know this is just a summer job i have. however, i have been looking for a more permanent job to take its place this year. 

I get into these moods that come and go, but they've been staying longer recently. like i just get feeling really bad about myself and the way i look. i know that i shouldn't feel this way because i look better than i have ever looked but i cant help but feel like a piece of shit. i'm so scared that in going to gain all this weight and be ugly again and i dont want it to happen. people are so judgmental (not that i'm any better) but it freaks me out and i feel like i always need to look perfect. its an unrealistic expectation of myself and i know that, but its the way that i feel. 

so someone please tell me how do i get out of this funk, i dont want to be that person who carries around the rain cloud with them wherever they go. that's not who i am, that's not who i have been, and that's not who i want to be.

So here's to another banner year,
We've crossed that thin line,
Don't try to hold us here,
If for just this once you'd think of us,
I hope you're happy with yourself,

-Jeremy McKinnon (A Day To Remember)

August 19th, 2011

school starts in a few weeks for me and i'm excited because ill be able to do the thing i love again which is coloring/cutting/styling hair.

maybe this year will hold something great in store for me. maybe ill find another thing i love doing. maybe ill find a few new favorite bands. maybe ill see some awesome shows and meet some awesome new friends.

something id love to start doing is photography, but i haven't had the drive so far to start. 

I've done little projects here and there but nothing recognizable which is an achievement i'd like to say I've done. this year i will do something great

August 8th, 2011: missing you so much

....and the only one who could take this loneliness away is so far away

its two things: SAD- because hes not here with me right now to make everything perfect like he does

and WORTHWHILE- because i know that i'm not wasting my time loving someone who's not here that doesn't love me back

they say friends can make times like this better, but my experience has shown that its only temporary and i need permanence. i need closure and security as well as affection and touch.

August 4th, 2011

ladies and gentlemen, we are in the midst of an owl epidemic!

they can be really fucking creepy though!

July 2, 2011

man, i just feel so gross all the time ever since  started eating normal again. its a dificult thing to do for someone who's been bulimic for the past 6 years of his life. i used to weigh 280, now im 142, but every time i put something in my mouth i feel like im going to look like this cow woman again.

and thats not something im trying to do so badly.

its so insane though because at my worst i was binging and purging 5 times every day. my paranoia would get so fucking bad that every time i would eat a salad i would think to myself "they grew this lettuce in lard so its all fat and im going to be gross" or "i cant eat this, or chew this gum because someone injected body fat into it, theyre all trying to make me fat". just such crazy thoughts would pop into my head. but its something that im working on and trying to get better about.

wish me luck

June 29, 2011

so I've decided that i'm just so tired of having ugly Facebook friends. i posted something similar to that on my wall and then deleted them from my friends list. the reason is that i just dont feel like their status's or updates have any place on my news feed. they really aren't that important, and since they aren't that important, why the fuck should i have to look at them.

yeah, these past few weeks have been decent. ive been doing construction with my dad which is so out of my element, but the pay is good so i cant complain. my quest for a job has been unsuccessful. i actually applied for a job at 

and they called me back for an interview the same day. i had everything perfect, i had my social security card, a photo ID, and then they ask me "are you 18?" as if i thought it mattered i said "no" and then they said i couldn't work there. 

i'm sure you can imagine my surprise

because i really didn't think i would have to be 18 to operate a cash register, but it makes sense now that i think of it because it is a store from the south.

other than that, i really dont know. it was kind of like a slap in the face because it didn't ask the 18 question on the application. one thing that doesn't make sense to me is why all of the college kids are taking high school kids jobs. they're high school summer jobs for a reason and they ought to stay that way. there's two more places i can think of that i haven't applied to. Claire's and C.B. Sullivan's, but if i dont get a bight from one of them i might just have to work with my dad for the rest of my life and that would really suck

                                              

June 10, 2011

so on Wednesday i completed my first year of cosmetology. the recognition/graduation ceremony was on Wednesday night. it took so long to get through all the awards and speeches, but i didn't really mind because i won an award of $250. this past week though has been so fucking crazy and i'm glad that its over.

currently i weigh 142 Lbs. my diet mostly consists of fruits and vegetables but my parents usually make me eat dinner when i'm eating with them. i would like to get down to 135 Lbs, but i dont know if its possible. a lot of people have been making fun of me for my weight loss and it's getting old. i dont understand why it matters to them; or maybe they're just jealous because they cant lost weight themselves. whatever the truth may be, i need to try to get down to 135, and ill do it through whatever means necessary.

the "discover jazz" festival happened this past week and is continuing through this weekend, and i have to admit that it reallllllllly sucks. i hate the crowds of people, i hate the music, i hate most of the unprofessional musicians (the ones that aren't hot). my father wanted to go out to eat tonight so he could listen to some of the music. i thought it was a bad idea because it was packed and the music gives me migraines. regardless, we went and had dinner at the "Asiana Noodle Shop"; for the record i dont recomend it. the food was decent, but the service was terrible.

may 31, 2011

god almighty its been too fucking long, school's almost over and im pumped for it. all the little hoes in my class are going bat shit because its so hot outside.

i recently found the cure for PMS, insomnia, muscle pains, and other life problems.

i find that by taking 1 of these pills every hour or so can cure all of the previous problems. its the perfect solution. ladies; get out there and score some

May 6, 2011

the other day i was faced with a serious dilemma:
a kid walked up to me and told me that he could get me ecstasy for $5 a piece. keep in mind that this is a highschool kid and he probably doesnt have the most reliable sources. so i stalled for a couple seconds quickly to take a look at the kid; he was clearly tweeking out (his eyes were glazed, dialated, and all over the place). he looked like a jock, and also didnt look very trustworthy.
my dilemma was; so i take this kid up on his offer and risk taking the exact same drug that he took which is why this kid looks like a bat out of hell right now, or do i tell him to get lost and continue being clean?
i chose to tell the kid to get lost. the reasoning behind my decision was that i know when i do drugs i dont stop and it isnt very pretty either.
i just thought it was funny that this kid thougt i was actually going to invest five dollars into his drug fund. he was probably never even going to get them for me in the first place. he probably just wanted money for his next fix.

anywho, im glad i didnt waste my time or money on that jukie. now i have cash to spend

April 15, 2011

so this girl i used to be friends with just got pregnant. as luck would have it, she also got chlamydia. if she's anything like she used to be, she'll probably keep the baby as well as the chlamydia. shes just lucky i haven't seen her since we stopped being friends because i would have kicked her in her uterus. i dont know if theres a way to make someone miscarry, but she shouldn't have any problem doing that on her own. seriously, she'll still drink and smoke weed while shes pregnant. her baby is going to look incessant.

some people just dont deserve to be happy. she's one of them. her name is Bree Gravelyn here is her facebook URL so go harass her for being nasty.

Homeless rights

how do homeless people have any less rights that the average man living in america? for starters, very few people are actually born homeless. when a child is born into this world without a roof over its head, it ought to be taken away or put into states custody. usually; homeless people have a house, job, car, family to start off with. because of their continual drug/alcohol use they lose it.
1.) thats their own fault; so how could they even have the balls to feel entitled to any of the governments free services.
2.) perhaps if they stopped spending all of their hard earned pan-handling dollars on crack they would have enough money to spend on a car of even a small apartment with one of their other homeless friends.
3.) people need to stop justifying their actions. saying that "after being homeless for a month your animal instincts come out and its hard to tame those" bullshit!! we're humans, not coyotes, and weather or not you have a place to sleep at night, loitering is still loitering. so find a local fucking COTS!
4.) people who are homeless by choice are ungrateful fucks who deserve to be treated with no respect or hospitality.

saying that a homeless man has less rights than a working-class citizen is like saying that cardboard feels better if you glue broken glass to it. there are gas stations all over the country that would love a new janitor or shelve stalker, its a matter of getting off the park bench and asking for an application thats at hand, and not one of morals or guilt.

the message that I'm unsuccessfully trying to communicate is that weather or not by choice you're homeless, there is something that can be done about it. i have family that directs homeless/emergency shelters where the purpose is to provide a bed, and food until they get back on their feet. the resources are there, and if they aren't taken advantage of; then really, who's fault is it? the state isn't going to employ people to wipe a homeless ass. responsibility is still responsibility. every state has a department of labor and a shelter to be used, so use them to your advantage.

one more thing; i am so sick of seeing bums at the library on Facebook! seriously what the fuck is up with that? like; dont you see your homeless friends enough on the streets that you shouldn't have to send them messages about where you are? you're probably going to see them on your way out the door.

April 12, 2011

i swear if i see another one of these-->   i might involuntarily go on a "Charlie Manson pregnant woman stabbing spree"

for real; i watched a show on TLC the other night about teenage pregnancy and sexual unawareness and it opened my eyes to just how fucking pathetic some girls are. the statistics show (in my opinion) that approximately 1/3 of all teenage women are fucking scummy cuntsluts tho should be given aids and left to die. why bring a child into this world if you know that you wont be able to provide it with everything it deserves?

furthermore - because the majority of these girls haven't had a respectable family of their own - why would anyone want to repeat the same mistake in a future generation?

just a little something to think about..

how to tell if you're a redneck

everyone could benefit from the awareness of this topic.

nobody likes a redneck so if you think you may be one, or you think you know someone who may be one, answer the following questions.

1. in the past 24 hours have you thought about engaging in sexual activities with one or more of the game animals?
2. do you own a truck?
3. do you refer to your truck as your child?
4. when masturbating; do you find yourself fantasizing about your siblings?
5. is your mother also your aunt?
6. if granted 3 wishes, would those wishes include : a brand new shotgun, camo clothing, a degree as an auto engineer, a 200 Lb deer, a fishing trophy?
7. are you completely socially ignorant and okay with the fact that everyone who matters on this earth fucking hates you and the dip in your lip?

if you have answered yes to the majority of these questions, you should probably light yourself on fire, cut your stomach open, and hang yourself for the world to see.

(tweedle dee)

(tweedle dumb)

march 27

there are certain days where you wake up late and just stay tired for the rest of the day. I'm having one of those days today. i woke up at about 12:00 this afternoon and have been exhausted since. I've also drank quite a few energy drinks as well, and it hasn't seemed to help.

it's 5:31 and i just got back from eating sugar on snow with my dad, step mother, and sister. we went to palmer's which used to be a small little family owned barn where people could go and get a cheap treat. now, its like this industrial sized farmhouse with 15 year old girls working the front desk who dont even know how to cook the maple syrup. i have to admit; i was a bit disappointed. so after we tried to eat the sugar on slush, we went to Dakin Farms (which is also an industrial sized farmhouse with 15 year old girls working the front desk) to get a real maple flavored treat. we all got maple frozen yogurt and it was satisfying.

i really feel like i'm talking out of my ass right now and can't seem to help it. i want to write today but cant seem to think of anything interesting to share.my ears are at 32 mm for the first holes and 4g's in the second holes. 4g's are easy to find anywhere, but 32 mm (1 1/4 inch) plugs are almost impossible to find in any stores. i can find them online, but i dont have a credit card and my parents dont want to keep on buying me plugs; especially if i'm just going to keep on stretching up. my original plan was to stretch my ears up to 1 1/8 inch and then downsize to 3/4 inch. then i started stretching my second holes and i want to keep those in for a while, but i'm not at my desired size yet. i also want to either get my dahlias pierced:

or a nose piercing on both sides: 

im not sure which one my parents will let me get done, but i want to get one of them badly.

ergh!! because i cant think of anything else to talk about today, this is it. fuck everything

sonnet of the wretched lyrics

&& video

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

french bulldog

                                          

this is one of the reasons i stay alive ->

that little dog means the world to me. i look forward to seeing her every Friday. yes it does look like i'm choking her, but I'm not. whenever i fall asleep on the couch, she'll wake me up by either eating out my armpits, cleaning my plugs out, or licking my face. yes her breath does smell like a sloppy pussy, but its OK because she's so adorable.i cant really think of much else to say; i did some good work in class this week. here are some pictures:

and with that, we wish you a good weekend  c:

todays drama

almost beat up a girl today. dont have time to write the whole thing, but heres a summary of what happened:

And I told her to stop being rude to the bus driver for being late all the time because it embarrasses me and I don’t think he deserves to get nagged at. He’s only human, and he’s trying to make a living.

She said basically "it shouldn’t embarrass you that I’m saying that."

So I walked away because

That was all yesterday

Then me, Nya and Mary walked to the bus stop after we got back to Burlington

We were all discussing how rude molly was

And how she puts up fronts for people to think she’s cool

So Mary was talking as well

But then her mom came to pick her up

So this morning I got on my bus and molly's like "you want to kick my ass huh?"

And I said yes

But it’s fucked up because nobody else was there for the conversation besides Mary

And I know Nya wouldn’t tell

Because she’s my best friend

So Mary had to of said something, otherwise molly wouldn’t have known; so she started drama

But I told molly I did want to hurt her because she was being disrespectful to me but refused to apologize, and because she puts up acts for different people

She was like "I don’t understand why me yelling at the bus driver embarrasses you, so I won’t apologize"

And I said "I don’t want to have issues with any of my friends molly, the fact of the matter is that you are rude to our bus driver and it embarrasses me because I don’t want him to think badly of all Burlington kids"

And then we left it at that

Then today I was talking about how I felt bad for retarted kids

And if I could I would put them out of their misery because nobody is ever going to stop making fun of them

And I said it in a kind of joking way, but people know that I don’t actually want to kill mentally challenged kids, I actually feel horrible that everyone laughs at them for something they can’t help.

I just say rash things

Mary then told molly (who has a retarted brother) that I said that

I was late for the bus, but still got on. molly and Mary were talking shit about me when they were waiting for the bus to come and my best friend Nya heard it all because molly was saying it loud to piss Nya off

When I got on the bus, Nya told me that

And I wigged out on molly and she did the same

what a fucking crazy day <3

march 12, 2011

so today is a saturday, and it's a weekend that im spending with my dad. i made plans to hang out with two people today and just found out that it isnt going to happen which is extremely unsatisfying. so instead of having fun this weekend socializing with people my own age, i think i'm probably going to have to go to NA meetings and sit at home.

this morning my father and sister were arguing a bit which happens sometimes; theres nothing i can do about it so it usually doesnt bother me too much. the only thing that's different was today, my sister was being particularly nasty to him. i dont understand how he can put up with it all, if i were him getting told to shut up and mind my own business by my own daughter i would probably be knocking her teeth out with a tire iron. basically, this morning, she decided to bitch about the apartment he lives in (which isnt really that bad) and complain about when he's going to move out of it. after about 20 minutes of just taking it, he finally tried to stop it by explaining how he got screwed out of a lot of money in his divorce with our mother. i already knew all of this, but it still made me feel sort of bad about the whole living situation.

there was also a small arguement about how i used to raise hell on his weekends as well. i know that i used to do that, but my reasons were significantly different than hers. she just waked up and screams at everyone, whereas when dad and i used to fight it usually started over something that my sister and i did; and me being the older one gets all the heat for it. what this all comes down to is that i never talked to my father like she does. if i had, i would have gotten my ass kicked; and i dont like being compared to my sister. shes unreasonably bitchy, and over all, she's just fucking rude. i can honestly understand why so many children in this country get beaten by their parents.

for the rest of this weekend, i will not be going and hanging out with my friend at the mall, and i will not be going over to my other friends house to watch movies. dissapointing as it may be, it might just be what i need. i'm probably going to call one of my older friends and see if she can hang out and drive me to dorset street to get a ticket to see *the show*. if i can go to it, i'll be fucking psyched!!!!! ehmmm..... i lost three pounds this week on my new diet.
be jealous!!!

christmas

who ever thought of telling kids that theres a big fat guy that slides down the chimney every year and brings presents to good boys and girls. thats fucked up. i would be scared shitless if i thought a fat goy was gonna come into my house while i was asleep. how is this supposed to be exciting at all for kids. how is this supposed to bring joy? i dont really know why i thought of this all of a sudden.

i was talking with my step father earlier today; we were at the grocery store getting fat free ice cream (funny story behind that) when he just stopped and told me about a time when he ran into an old friend of his. he said that his friend asked him to come out for a drink the coming weekend (keep in mind, this was years ago) so they could catch up. the weekend came, and my step dad found himself in a strip bar in montreal. over a couple of drinks, they both sort of forgot that they were in a bar full of nearly naked women in their twenties. so our of the clear blue, one of them comes up and asks "Are you guys fucking gay?" and they're both like "Um... No, why?" she she goes " because neither of you guys have looked at my ass all night." i thought it was a funny story, and it just came out of the clear blue.

my last post about abortion got cut short because i didnt want to sound like an ass. i know that it's a controversial topic, and part of my personality is that i like provocativity. i enjoy both being provocative (sexually, or in any other ways) and being around provocative people. most of my friends have a rather sick sense of humor which i share and probably take to a more heightened level of fucked up. the only thing that i won't crack jokes at is peoples ethnicity. i constantly make gay jokes, or religion jokes; even terminal illness jokes, but ive learned that racism just isn't tollerated, weather or not you are. the other day, my fag hag was telling me how her neighbor lost a leg to cancer; but her neighbors name is eilene. i thought it was vagenius.

so as i'm typing, i'm laying on my bed which i just remembered is broken. it came to my realization because i heard it crack which means that im going to have to lift the mattress off, and put the support beam back in the middle. beds are supposed to be sturdy things, are they not? well i broke the bed durring sex. what the fuck is that? how do you break your bed from having sex? i dont know, but i was pissed, and still am the more that i think about it. i could really write forever tonight, i just dont feel like stopping, so the last thing im going to bitch about is something i was informed of today. apparently some old people can;y swallow anything correctly, so they have to get their food blendered, and their water thickened. why the hell do we go to the extent that we go to, just to keep the elderly folk alive. they're just gonna die in a couple of years anyway. it makes no sense to me. i know that if i had to get my beverages fed to me on a spoon, and my steak blended up with my mashed potatos, i would be eating a bullet first. what has this world come to where we keep people alive untill they're 140 just so all of their family members can feel like they might live longer; and for what? back when humans lived in caves, people would just naturally die off. there wasnt anything wrong with that either. it's what was meant to happen. keeping people alive for so long isn't natural and therefor it's wrong. that's all.



snow days

holy shit, today was the second snow day in a row this week. as odd as it sounds, i miss school. these snow days are getting kinda old. today i'm going to bitch about a bumper sticker i keep on seeing.   

my personal belief is that it is a woman's right to choose weather or not she wants to have a child. not every pregnancy is a choice, so why should every child birth be forced. the fact of the matter is that in our society, people have sex a lot, and a high percentage of it is unprotected. i dont agree with using abortion as a form of birth control, but if a woman gets pregnant by mistake, knows she isn't ready to bring a child into the world and doesn't have the financial means, she shouldn't be made destroy her own life & body, and the life of her child. nobody remembers when they were a 3 month old fetus, so what would it matter if the problem was solved before it started.

i tend to get really frustrated with people who are religious, conservative, republican, or pro life. honestly, they all seem to go hand in hand. the reason i get frustrated with these motherfuckers is because they are always so close minded. it's as if anything outside the norm of [boring job X (white penis + white vagina) / church on Sundays  = happy white family] is a threat to their own twisted humanity. i'm pretty sure that the god in their religion gave them all a set of 10 commandments, and one of them is to treat people the way you want to be treated. so my next question is: how in the fuck is going to a local planned parenthood and protesting with pictures of bloody fetuses in young womens faces and making them cry, or going to soldiers funerals and protesting their homophobic beliefs considered treating people the way you'd like to be treated? it isn't. ;)

sunday

it's 4:19 pm right now, and i woke up about 45 minutes ago. i feel like a total loser. last night i had one of my friends over so we could work on a school project. surprisingly, this was one of the most fun projects I've had to work on; we were told to create a flapper from the 1920's. my friend works in a department store, so she had access to a full body mannequin. we put a Charleston dress on it, and in cosmetology school i did a finger wave on my mannequin head. it took us about 15 seconds to put the dress on, and then we hung out from 9:00 to 2:00 in the morning; thus making me sleep from about 2:30 am to 3:20 pm. fun.

What is a Flapper girl

i really wish that i had people in my life who wanted to talk to me. it seems like every friend i have, will just sit wherever they are and wait for me to come up to them to strike conversation. its not as if i think less of these people for being timid, but i would like to not have to initiate every conversation. there are other people who are friends of your friends that you see and wish you could be friends with them. just something about them strikes your curiosity, and yes, there is an initial attraction to them, but not necessarily a sexual attraction. it's so awkward trying to begin a friendship with them. trying to find things that the both of you agree on or are interested in can be really uncomfortable while trying not to be a creeper. then of course theres the time crunch because when you're in high school you have all of 5 minutes in between classes and in those 5 minutes; probably 1 chance to walk bye them and smile. maybe it's not worth it. but like i said there are just some people that you really want to be friends with.

maybe other people don't get that feeling, but for me, after being out of the social scene for such a long time and missing opportunities to make new friends, i really want people to like me. i want as few enemies as i can. be that as it may, the school i go to makes it difficult for this to happen because of how many rednecks go to the "auto shop" tech program. for some reason, rednecks don't seem to like gay boys, so as luck would have it, I've probably made just as many enemies as i have friends: if not more enemies. i don't understand it! what did i ever do to them. i think they're just scared of me because i know how to dress, and present myself like someone who cares about themselves. some people have told me that those boys could be homophobic because they're unsure of their own sexuality, but what i dont get, is how the fuck would they ever get the self confidence to think that i want to come onto them. those boys wear camo baseball caps and tee shirts with dear graphics on them. honestly; i would rather fuck my dead grandfather that hot on someone who dresses them selves like that by choice. "and for that, we thank you." - Daniel Tosh

Mardi Gras weekend in Burlington

if you've clicked on this post, you were obviously intending on informing yourself with something having to do with the Mardi Gras celebration going on in Burlington Vermont. well unfortunately; i have nothing to offer you in that field because i am staying home at my own request. some people get reaaallllly excited for holidays like this; i don't. i would rather sit and bitch about how much i hate the sluts who flash their tits all over the place while the parade is going on. the things people do when they're excited always seems to shock me. it shouldn't, but i forget how dumb people get when they have alcohol in their system.

im not trying to make this holiday into a negative thing, and if it seems like i am, then please be aware that isn't my intention. i just have some unanswered questions about the whole human mind thing. like:

1. why do we act the way we do when we feel excited?
2. why do we feel the need for alcohol in order to have fun?
3. why do people do the same thing over and over again, yet expect different results?

in a class that i'm taking, we had to learn about the origin of the holiday. it originated in Rome, and was the tuesday before lent when people needed to get rid of all the food that would go to waste if it wasn't consumed before the 40 day fast. Mardi Gras -meaning Fat Tuesday- was the source of tons of excitement. the colors: Purple, Gold & Green stand for something as well: Justice, (purple) Power, (gold) and Faith (green). apparently, in New Orleans, the celebration lasts a whole year. thats not to say that the parade lasts a whole year, but the planning and funding and constructing takes quite a while.

i just wish that instead of having trashy bitches showing their nasty boobs and seeing cunts get sloppy drunk, we should all consider our alternative: celebrating justice power and faith by cooking delicious foods, and being kind to one another. just a thought.

Happy Mardi Gras!!!!!

musics

is it wrong that i like hip hop/rap music and  deathcore? i feel like they contradict eachother, but its exciting to listen to both of them. like this song: BOTTOMS UP and this song: SONNET OF THE WRETCHED are totally different and i dont really know

braille

sometimes when you're all by yourself, you get trapped in a sullen wonderland of thought and find it hard to escape. for example, a minute ago, i found myself sitting on my couch staring at the sun coming through the window. my automatic response to seeing the sun was rage. not violent rage, but the kind where all you can do is just listen to how fast your heart is pumping. the reason i got angry is because i feel ready for the snow to be gone, and the sun isn't seeming to help make it go away. i don't understand why there are birds flying around outside in the freezing cold; i can't even stay warm when i step outside to have a cigarette for 2 minutes. if i had wings, Vermont is the last place i'd ever be.

i guess i'm just going to do a general update for this post. my weight is almost perfect (159 Lbs). my hair is growing longer. i have plenty of boys to choose from at the moment. the music I've been listening to are these guys: http://www.myspace.com/chelseagrinmetal & http://www.myspace.com/cuteiswhatweaimfor & http://www.myspace.com/adaytoremember

aside from that, i'm just really impatient. i get these horrible anxiety attacks when i feel like i wont have enough cigarettes for the next day, so i have to get myself a new pack a day before i run out. its weird and probably makes no sense, but it gets me bye. anywho, this winter has lasted too long, i cant wait for summer, and thats about it for now.

         

February 28, 2011

Jesus tap-dancing Christ, the past few weeks have been hectic. basically i got my computer taken away for a while and haven't been able to write, but i'm back now and hope to be blogging more regularly.

i don't really know exactly how much i should be putting out there about myself, but this is my own thing, so i'm going to say what i want to.a few weeks ago, when i created this blog, i was at the end of a relapse. the drugs i used don't matter; the people i was using with don't matter either; all that matters now is that i am sober, and have been for just over two weeks, and i'm pretty fucking proud of myself.

i go to Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meeting regularly to help me be the person i want to be. the reason that i'm bringing this up is because i am the youngest person in the rooms, and i often find myself wondering why i bother going. i know that i have a lot of friends in those rooms, but i cant help but feel like i don't belong there.
thats my speal about NA.

February vacation is almost at an end -as i have one day left- and it has been rather eventful for me. between hanging out, sneaking out, making out, making love and making friends & memories; I've been extremely occupied so i'm gonna go ahead and call this past week a success.

another part of my exciting life is that i have a few outpatient programs that i go to on a regular basis, one of which is called centerpoint. tonight me and my friend went to the Davis center at the University of Vermont to visit with some students in recovery. i won't lie, i had a good time. where else would i be allowed to drink 6 cans and a two liter of diet coke all to myself. only one thing went sour during the visit, and that was that two people said that i was being offensive, which i found rather offensive, considering that four minutes prior the three of us were discussing how a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. people are fucking dumb, but whatever...................