July 2, 2011

man, i just feel so gross all the time ever since  started eating normal again. its a dificult thing to do for someone who's been bulimic for the past 6 years of his life. i used to weigh 280, now im 142, but every time i put something in my mouth i feel like im going to look like this cow woman again.

and thats not something im trying to do so badly.

its so insane though because at my worst i was binging and purging 5 times every day. my paranoia would get so fucking bad that every time i would eat a salad i would think to myself "they grew this lettuce in lard so its all fat and im going to be gross" or "i cant eat this, or chew this gum because someone injected body fat into it, theyre all trying to make me fat". just such crazy thoughts would pop into my head. but its something that im working on and trying to get better about.

wish me luck