November 22, 2011

holy shit, i havent had a chance to write in forever it seems. so much shit has been going on, my life is crazy as hell!!!! thanksgiving break just started. i wish i had more time to write, but i really dont. just wanted a quick check in. i have almost 1000 hours in cosmetology practice which means that im 500 away from finnishing my program. i had a little slip up in my recovery which scared the shit out of me and ill write more about that the next time i blog. thats really it though, for the most part everything is going pretty well

August 28th, 2011

BIKRAM YOGA KILLS ME!!!

i haven't been in such a long time but whenever i go i feel like I'm going to drown in my own sweat. this is a class that goes for 90 minutes,  there's about 26 poses that you do twice, and i go through so much water during it. its crazy shit but its so good for you. there are old men in each class who go like 6 times a week and i wish i could keep up with them. they're so good at it and they look so healthy; they'll probably live to be about 120 years old. here's what a class looks like.

so at this point i pretty much think i should go more often. it would make me so much more fit and id look all sexy and what not.

school starts in two days!! I'm so excited, i cant wait!! this year will be a success, i can feel it

such an amazing band

for real, i dont think I've ever heard a band that can capture the exact mood i'm in and play it back to me like these guys can. i love their voices, i love their style of music, i love their song meanings, and this is one of their songs that i like the most: Beauty in the Breakdown

Come on, take a step towards me
So you can figure me out
I've been hoping and praying for a single way
To show you what I'm all about
And I know, and I know this is the only way of pleasing the crowds
But when this is over and done with and we walk away
There should be no doubts

So let's get a little closer now
Let's get a little closer now

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless, states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong

Come on love run with me
Get the hell out of this town
So we can get a better feel for each other
I'll take you, back to, when you
Remembered how you used to
Just live your life a little for me
Take the time to let it go
Step away and watch me grow

So let's get a little closer now
Let's get a little closer now

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless, states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong

You can stay if you want to
And I write to you and tell you how you've always been so special to me
You can stay if you want to, and I’ll try
You can stay if you want to
And I write to you and tell you how you've always been so special to me
You can stay if you want to, and I’ll try

To keep you close to me (x3)

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless, states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong

its just so captivating, what else can i say?

August 21st, 2011

Feeling kind of apathetic lately, there's not much time left in the summer and i have a lot of things that i want to do. there are people i haven't hung out with that i said i would, and there are just a lot of places that I've been meaning to get to that i haven't gotten to go to yet. i'm trying to get in as many hours at work as i can before summer's over because i know this is just a summer job i have. however, i have been looking for a more permanent job to take its place this year. 

I get into these moods that come and go, but they've been staying longer recently. like i just get feeling really bad about myself and the way i look. i know that i shouldn't feel this way because i look better than i have ever looked but i cant help but feel like a piece of shit. i'm so scared that in going to gain all this weight and be ugly again and i dont want it to happen. people are so judgmental (not that i'm any better) but it freaks me out and i feel like i always need to look perfect. its an unrealistic expectation of myself and i know that, but its the way that i feel. 

so someone please tell me how do i get out of this funk, i dont want to be that person who carries around the rain cloud with them wherever they go. that's not who i am, that's not who i have been, and that's not who i want to be.

So here's to another banner year,
We've crossed that thin line,
Don't try to hold us here,
If for just this once you'd think of us,
I hope you're happy with yourself,

-Jeremy McKinnon (A Day To Remember)

August 19th, 2011

school starts in a few weeks for me and i'm excited because ill be able to do the thing i love again which is coloring/cutting/styling hair.

maybe this year will hold something great in store for me. maybe ill find another thing i love doing. maybe ill find a few new favorite bands. maybe ill see some awesome shows and meet some awesome new friends.

something id love to start doing is photography, but i haven't had the drive so far to start. 

I've done little projects here and there but nothing recognizable which is an achievement i'd like to say I've done. this year i will do something great

August 8th, 2011: missing you so much

....and the only one who could take this loneliness away is so far away

its two things: SAD- because hes not here with me right now to make everything perfect like he does

and WORTHWHILE- because i know that i'm not wasting my time loving someone who's not here that doesn't love me back

they say friends can make times like this better, but my experience has shown that its only temporary and i need permanence. i need closure and security as well as affection and touch.

August 4th, 2011

ladies and gentlemen, we are in the midst of an owl epidemic!

they can be really fucking creepy though!

July 2, 2011

man, i just feel so gross all the time ever since  started eating normal again. its a dificult thing to do for someone who's been bulimic for the past 6 years of his life. i used to weigh 280, now im 142, but every time i put something in my mouth i feel like im going to look like this cow woman again.

and thats not something im trying to do so badly.

its so insane though because at my worst i was binging and purging 5 times every day. my paranoia would get so fucking bad that every time i would eat a salad i would think to myself "they grew this lettuce in lard so its all fat and im going to be gross" or "i cant eat this, or chew this gum because someone injected body fat into it, theyre all trying to make me fat". just such crazy thoughts would pop into my head. but its something that im working on and trying to get better about.

wish me luck

June 29, 2011

so I've decided that i'm just so tired of having ugly Facebook friends. i posted something similar to that on my wall and then deleted them from my friends list. the reason is that i just dont feel like their status's or updates have any place on my news feed. they really aren't that important, and since they aren't that important, why the fuck should i have to look at them.

yeah, these past few weeks have been decent. ive been doing construction with my dad which is so out of my element, but the pay is good so i cant complain. my quest for a job has been unsuccessful. i actually applied for a job at 

and they called me back for an interview the same day. i had everything perfect, i had my social security card, a photo ID, and then they ask me "are you 18?" as if i thought it mattered i said "no" and then they said i couldn't work there. 

i'm sure you can imagine my surprise

because i really didn't think i would have to be 18 to operate a cash register, but it makes sense now that i think of it because it is a store from the south.

other than that, i really dont know. it was kind of like a slap in the face because it didn't ask the 18 question on the application. one thing that doesn't make sense to me is why all of the college kids are taking high school kids jobs. they're high school summer jobs for a reason and they ought to stay that way. there's two more places i can think of that i haven't applied to. Claire's and C.B. Sullivan's, but if i dont get a bight from one of them i might just have to work with my dad for the rest of my life and that would really suck

                                              

June 10, 2011

so on Wednesday i completed my first year of cosmetology. the recognition/graduation ceremony was on Wednesday night. it took so long to get through all the awards and speeches, but i didn't really mind because i won an award of $250. this past week though has been so fucking crazy and i'm glad that its over.

currently i weigh 142 Lbs. my diet mostly consists of fruits and vegetables but my parents usually make me eat dinner when i'm eating with them. i would like to get down to 135 Lbs, but i dont know if its possible. a lot of people have been making fun of me for my weight loss and it's getting old. i dont understand why it matters to them; or maybe they're just jealous because they cant lost weight themselves. whatever the truth may be, i need to try to get down to 135, and ill do it through whatever means necessary.

the "discover jazz" festival happened this past week and is continuing through this weekend, and i have to admit that it reallllllllly sucks. i hate the crowds of people, i hate the music, i hate most of the unprofessional musicians (the ones that aren't hot). my father wanted to go out to eat tonight so he could listen to some of the music. i thought it was a bad idea because it was packed and the music gives me migraines. regardless, we went and had dinner at the "Asiana Noodle Shop"; for the record i dont recomend it. the food was decent, but the service was terrible.

may 31, 2011

god almighty its been too fucking long, school's almost over and im pumped for it. all the little hoes in my class are going bat shit because its so hot outside.

i recently found the cure for PMS, insomnia, muscle pains, and other life problems.

i find that by taking 1 of these pills every hour or so can cure all of the previous problems. its the perfect solution. ladies; get out there and score some

May 6, 2011

the other day i was faced with a serious dilemma:
a kid walked up to me and told me that he could get me ecstasy for $5 a piece. keep in mind that this is a highschool kid and he probably doesnt have the most reliable sources. so i stalled for a couple seconds quickly to take a look at the kid; he was clearly tweeking out (his eyes were glazed, dialated, and all over the place). he looked like a jock, and also didnt look very trustworthy.
my dilemma was; so i take this kid up on his offer and risk taking the exact same drug that he took which is why this kid looks like a bat out of hell right now, or do i tell him to get lost and continue being clean?
i chose to tell the kid to get lost. the reasoning behind my decision was that i know when i do drugs i dont stop and it isnt very pretty either.
i just thought it was funny that this kid thougt i was actually going to invest five dollars into his drug fund. he was probably never even going to get them for me in the first place. he probably just wanted money for his next fix.

anywho, im glad i didnt waste my time or money on that jukie. now i have cash to spend

April 15, 2011

so this girl i used to be friends with just got pregnant. as luck would have it, she also got chlamydia. if she's anything like she used to be, she'll probably keep the baby as well as the chlamydia. shes just lucky i haven't seen her since we stopped being friends because i would have kicked her in her uterus. i dont know if theres a way to make someone miscarry, but she shouldn't have any problem doing that on her own. seriously, she'll still drink and smoke weed while shes pregnant. her baby is going to look incessant.

some people just dont deserve to be happy. she's one of them. her name is Bree Gravelyn here is her facebook URL so go harass her for being nasty.

Homeless rights

how do homeless people have any less rights that the average man living in america? for starters, very few people are actually born homeless. when a child is born into this world without a roof over its head, it ought to be taken away or put into states custody. usually; homeless people have a house, job, car, family to start off with. because of their continual drug/alcohol use they lose it.
1.) thats their own fault; so how could they even have the balls to feel entitled to any of the governments free services.
2.) perhaps if they stopped spending all of their hard earned pan-handling dollars on crack they would have enough money to spend on a car of even a small apartment with one of their other homeless friends.
3.) people need to stop justifying their actions. saying that "after being homeless for a month your animal instincts come out and its hard to tame those" bullshit!! we're humans, not coyotes, and weather or not you have a place to sleep at night, loitering is still loitering. so find a local fucking COTS!
4.) people who are homeless by choice are ungrateful fucks who deserve to be treated with no respect or hospitality.

saying that a homeless man has less rights than a working-class citizen is like saying that cardboard feels better if you glue broken glass to it. there are gas stations all over the country that would love a new janitor or shelve stalker, its a matter of getting off the park bench and asking for an application thats at hand, and not one of morals or guilt.

the message that I'm unsuccessfully trying to communicate is that weather or not by choice you're homeless, there is something that can be done about it. i have family that directs homeless/emergency shelters where the purpose is to provide a bed, and food until they get back on their feet. the resources are there, and if they aren't taken advantage of; then really, who's fault is it? the state isn't going to employ people to wipe a homeless ass. responsibility is still responsibility. every state has a department of labor and a shelter to be used, so use them to your advantage.

one more thing; i am so sick of seeing bums at the library on Facebook! seriously what the fuck is up with that? like; dont you see your homeless friends enough on the streets that you shouldn't have to send them messages about where you are? you're probably going to see them on your way out the door.

April 12, 2011

i swear if i see another one of these-->   i might involuntarily go on a "Charlie Manson pregnant woman stabbing spree"

for real; i watched a show on TLC the other night about teenage pregnancy and sexual unawareness and it opened my eyes to just how fucking pathetic some girls are. the statistics show (in my opinion) that approximately 1/3 of all teenage women are fucking scummy cuntsluts tho should be given aids and left to die. why bring a child into this world if you know that you wont be able to provide it with everything it deserves?

furthermore - because the majority of these girls haven't had a respectable family of their own - why would anyone want to repeat the same mistake in a future generation?

just a little something to think about..

how to tell if you're a redneck

everyone could benefit from the awareness of this topic.

nobody likes a redneck so if you think you may be one, or you think you know someone who may be one, answer the following questions.

1. in the past 24 hours have you thought about engaging in sexual activities with one or more of the game animals?
2. do you own a truck?
3. do you refer to your truck as your child?
4. when masturbating; do you find yourself fantasizing about your siblings?
5. is your mother also your aunt?
6. if granted 3 wishes, would those wishes include : a brand new shotgun, camo clothing, a degree as an auto engineer, a 200 Lb deer, a fishing trophy?
7. are you completely socially ignorant and okay with the fact that everyone who matters on this earth fucking hates you and the dip in your lip?

if you have answered yes to the majority of these questions, you should probably light yourself on fire, cut your stomach open, and hang yourself for the world to see.

(tweedle dee)

(tweedle dumb)

march 27

there are certain days where you wake up late and just stay tired for the rest of the day. I'm having one of those days today. i woke up at about 12:00 this afternoon and have been exhausted since. I've also drank quite a few energy drinks as well, and it hasn't seemed to help.

it's 5:31 and i just got back from eating sugar on snow with my dad, step mother, and sister. we went to palmer's which used to be a small little family owned barn where people could go and get a cheap treat. now, its like this industrial sized farmhouse with 15 year old girls working the front desk who dont even know how to cook the maple syrup. i have to admit; i was a bit disappointed. so after we tried to eat the sugar on slush, we went to Dakin Farms (which is also an industrial sized farmhouse with 15 year old girls working the front desk) to get a real maple flavored treat. we all got maple frozen yogurt and it was satisfying.

i really feel like i'm talking out of my ass right now and can't seem to help it. i want to write today but cant seem to think of anything interesting to share.my ears are at 32 mm for the first holes and 4g's in the second holes. 4g's are easy to find anywhere, but 32 mm (1 1/4 inch) plugs are almost impossible to find in any stores. i can find them online, but i dont have a credit card and my parents dont want to keep on buying me plugs; especially if i'm just going to keep on stretching up. my original plan was to stretch my ears up to 1 1/8 inch and then downsize to 3/4 inch. then i started stretching my second holes and i want to keep those in for a while, but i'm not at my desired size yet. i also want to either get my dahlias pierced:

or a nose piercing on both sides: 

im not sure which one my parents will let me get done, but i want to get one of them badly.

ergh!! because i cant think of anything else to talk about today, this is it. fuck everything

sonnet of the wretched lyrics

&& video

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

french bulldog

                                          

this is one of the reasons i stay alive ->

that little dog means the world to me. i look forward to seeing her every Friday. yes it does look like i'm choking her, but I'm not. whenever i fall asleep on the couch, she'll wake me up by either eating out my armpits, cleaning my plugs out, or licking my face. yes her breath does smell like a sloppy pussy, but its OK because she's so adorable.i cant really think of much else to say; i did some good work in class this week. here are some pictures:

and with that, we wish you a good weekend  c:

todays drama

almost beat up a girl today. dont have time to write the whole thing, but heres a summary of what happened:

And I told her to stop being rude to the bus driver for being late all the time because it embarrasses me and I don’t think he deserves to get nagged at. He’s only human, and he’s trying to make a living.

She said basically "it shouldn’t embarrass you that I’m saying that."

So I walked away because

That was all yesterday

Then me, Nya and Mary walked to the bus stop after we got back to Burlington

We were all discussing how rude molly was

And how she puts up fronts for people to think she’s cool

So Mary was talking as well

But then her mom came to pick her up

So this morning I got on my bus and molly's like "you want to kick my ass huh?"

And I said yes

But it’s fucked up because nobody else was there for the conversation besides Mary

And I know Nya wouldn’t tell

Because she’s my best friend

So Mary had to of said something, otherwise molly wouldn’t have known; so she started drama

But I told molly I did want to hurt her because she was being disrespectful to me but refused to apologize, and because she puts up acts for different people

She was like "I don’t understand why me yelling at the bus driver embarrasses you, so I won’t apologize"

And I said "I don’t want to have issues with any of my friends molly, the fact of the matter is that you are rude to our bus driver and it embarrasses me because I don’t want him to think badly of all Burlington kids"

And then we left it at that

Then today I was talking about how I felt bad for retarted kids

And if I could I would put them out of their misery because nobody is ever going to stop making fun of them

And I said it in a kind of joking way, but people know that I don’t actually want to kill mentally challenged kids, I actually feel horrible that everyone laughs at them for something they can’t help.

I just say rash things

Mary then told molly (who has a retarted brother) that I said that

I was late for the bus, but still got on. molly and Mary were talking shit about me when they were waiting for the bus to come and my best friend Nya heard it all because molly was saying it loud to piss Nya off

When I got on the bus, Nya told me that

And I wigged out on molly and she did the same

what a fucking crazy day <3